Couples Work:
Most couples arrive with the not so secret hope that the therapist will fix the partner and somehow make him or her more appropriate, meaning more like themselves. The Broadway show puts this in male terms when the song says, “why can’t a woman be more like a man?” The Bible offers the golden rule about treating others as one wants to be treated, but if a woman would want a hug when she’s upset, and accordingly offers one to her man when he seems out of sorts, it may well be the opposite of what he wants. He might want to be left alone. Both partners want more intimacy and want to be closer to each other, but sometimes our systems are programmed differently and then problems and bad feelings result. Areas that are especially likely to trigger problems are money, sex and child rearing. Cooperation is required in these areas plus vulnerability about one’s past painful experiences, and talk is needed for the partner to understand and respond in a helpful manner. The intuitive response in fact may not be the right one or the helpful one. When my own father told me that marriage takes work, I thought he meant I might have to get a second job. That would have been easy compared with what he really was saying. So how does therapy help any of this? Or can it?
First, one should realize that what’s outlined above is a 5000 year old issue. Therapy can help with that realization for starters, and it’s important to know that you are joined by most of humanity. Joseph Campbell of anthropological fame goes so far as to call marriage (he had a good one) an “ordeal.” By this he meant that sacrifice is involved and that one learns through the sacrifice that to some degree one’s individuality is sacrificed to realize a larger and greater unity. This process is tricky and ultimately mystical, as is love itself, but one can rejoice in the process even when it’s painful and difficult. Therapy also may involve a certain amount of communications coaching, so that the couple can begin to recognize unproductive patterns and substitute more constructive means. It frequently happens that a couple will say at the outset that they want to be closer and more able to understand each other. Ten minutes later, however, when asked what they are trying to do with a particular kind of approach (usually blaming), the typical answer is “I don’t know” or more honestly, “I’m trying to win the argument here.” Therapy really can help in raising the awareness of the futility of this kind of process. Sometimes this coaching alone is enough to move the relationship onto higher ground, but usually not. The next part is a bit more involved and goes to a deeper level. Schwartz talks about the process in some detail in his book You’re the One You’ve Been Looking For. In short, the book emphasizes the need for taking care of one’s own issues. If, for example, one partner has a part that is constantly being self critical, there’s likely to be trouble if the other partner then says anything that might be construed as critical. It’s hard enough hearing it from within one’s own system, but may be intolerable and over the limit when one also hears it from someone else. Criticism then is likely to be met with anger or withdrawal. The way therapy helps this process is by getting to the fear and the hurt that are involved in being overly self critical (or whatever the issue might be) and in providing healing around that whole process. With the partner present and providing encouragement (courage is in the middle of that word), the couple gains a different perspective, and understanding leads to compassion as long as there is some measure of charity and good will. Important to realize is that we all have issues. We all bring baggage to a relationship, and we often have carried it for so long that we are unaware. Therapy can help all of this, but it does take time and energy.
Finally, not all couples come to see a therapist because they want their relationship to improve. Sometimes they need a therapist’s help to end a relationship. Sometimes one partner wants to end the relationship and needs to come to therapy to prove that therapy won’t help. Sometimes one partner or the other is quite open about saying that they are attending only to facilitate change in their partner. If the therapist tries to suggest that both might need to change, that’s often enough to end the sessions. Concerning my particular orientation, a prospective client probably should know that my bias is toward keeping couples together. If I can catch onto an agenda to separate, or if I’m told directly, I can be helpful with that. I’m not interested in working with couples where one or both partners are convinced that only one of them needs to change, with the possible exception concerning unsafe behavior. Not much good can happen in an unsafe environment, and changing that is the responsibility of whoever is behaving in an unsafe manner even if both are contributing to its occurrence. A basic maxim throughout much of what’s described in this paragraph is that it only takes one to mess things up, but it takes two to make things go right. More frequently, of course, two are involved in both messing up and making right.
If you have questions about anything that’s written here, please feel free to contact me, either by phone or by email, and I’ll do my best to provide an intelligible response.
Most couples arrive with the not so secret hope that the therapist will fix the partner and somehow make him or her more appropriate, meaning more like themselves. The Broadway show puts this in male terms when the song says, “why can’t a woman be more like a man?” The Bible offers the golden rule about treating others as one wants to be treated, but if a woman would want a hug when she’s upset, and accordingly offers one to her man when he seems out of sorts, it may well be the opposite of what he wants. He might want to be left alone. Both partners want more intimacy and want to be closer to each other, but sometimes our systems are programmed differently and then problems and bad feelings result. Areas that are especially likely to trigger problems are money, sex and child rearing. Cooperation is required in these areas plus vulnerability about one’s past painful experiences, and talk is needed for the partner to understand and respond in a helpful manner. The intuitive response in fact may not be the right one or the helpful one. When my own father told me that marriage takes work, I thought he meant I might have to get a second job. That would have been easy compared with what he really was saying. So how does therapy help any of this? Or can it?
First, one should realize that what’s outlined above is a 5000 year old issue. Therapy can help with that realization for starters, and it’s important to know that you are joined by most of humanity. Joseph Campbell of anthropological fame goes so far as to call marriage (he had a good one) an “ordeal.” By this he meant that sacrifice is involved and that one learns through the sacrifice that to some degree one’s individuality is sacrificed to realize a larger and greater unity. This process is tricky and ultimately mystical, as is love itself, but one can rejoice in the process even when it’s painful and difficult. Therapy also may involve a certain amount of communications coaching, so that the couple can begin to recognize unproductive patterns and substitute more constructive means. It frequently happens that a couple will say at the outset that they want to be closer and more able to understand each other. Ten minutes later, however, when asked what they are trying to do with a particular kind of approach (usually blaming), the typical answer is “I don’t know” or more honestly, “I’m trying to win the argument here.” Therapy really can help in raising the awareness of the futility of this kind of process. Sometimes this coaching alone is enough to move the relationship onto higher ground, but usually not. The next part is a bit more involved and goes to a deeper level. Schwartz talks about the process in some detail in his book You’re the One You’ve Been Looking For. In short, the book emphasizes the need for taking care of one’s own issues. If, for example, one partner has a part that is constantly being self critical, there’s likely to be trouble if the other partner then says anything that might be construed as critical. It’s hard enough hearing it from within one’s own system, but may be intolerable and over the limit when one also hears it from someone else. Criticism then is likely to be met with anger or withdrawal. The way therapy helps this process is by getting to the fear and the hurt that are involved in being overly self critical (or whatever the issue might be) and in providing healing around that whole process. With the partner present and providing encouragement (courage is in the middle of that word), the couple gains a different perspective, and understanding leads to compassion as long as there is some measure of charity and good will. Important to realize is that we all have issues. We all bring baggage to a relationship, and we often have carried it for so long that we are unaware. Therapy can help all of this, but it does take time and energy.
Finally, not all couples come to see a therapist because they want their relationship to improve. Sometimes they need a therapist’s help to end a relationship. Sometimes one partner wants to end the relationship and needs to come to therapy to prove that therapy won’t help. Sometimes one partner or the other is quite open about saying that they are attending only to facilitate change in their partner. If the therapist tries to suggest that both might need to change, that’s often enough to end the sessions. Concerning my particular orientation, a prospective client probably should know that my bias is toward keeping couples together. If I can catch onto an agenda to separate, or if I’m told directly, I can be helpful with that. I’m not interested in working with couples where one or both partners are convinced that only one of them needs to change, with the possible exception concerning unsafe behavior. Not much good can happen in an unsafe environment, and changing that is the responsibility of whoever is behaving in an unsafe manner even if both are contributing to its occurrence. A basic maxim throughout much of what’s described in this paragraph is that it only takes one to mess things up, but it takes two to make things go right. More frequently, of course, two are involved in both messing up and making right.
If you have questions about anything that’s written here, please feel free to contact me, either by phone or by email, and I’ll do my best to provide an intelligible response.